THE WAY OF ESCAPE #2

UNDERSTAND IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT

“They looked to him, and were radiant.

Their faces shall never be covered with shame.” 

Psalm 34:5

It’s Not Your Fault…Or Is It?

That’s just it. An abuser will have you second-guessing yourself and everything you have ever believed. Even the things you know to be true. Diminishing you as a human being gives them an even greater sense of self and importance. They feel superior, better, above you. That is how they like it. Truly, deep inside, these individuals are broken. They are hurting, lost and insecure. They lack a true understanding of God’s definition of love and have a tainted perspective or warped view of what love is.

I’m here to tell you that IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT! Don’t allow anyone to make you believe otherwise. Many times, when people haven’t experienced abuse, they simply do not understand how the patterns work. It’s easy to say what you would do in a specific situation if it were to happen to you, but until it happens and a person experiences it firsthand, they don’t know what they would do. They would likely have reacted similarly as you, knowing all the facts and circumstances of your situation. Know that it is not your fault, and don’t allow anyone to make you feel guilty for what you suffered through.

Victim Blaming

It doesn’t matter what other outsiders, whether friends, family, or strangers, say or think, or how many times you decide to return to your abuser. It still is not your fault that he chose to abuse and harm you. So many times, women have been called stupid and dumb. They are harshly criticized for being with their abusive and toxic partner, yet no one ever questions the abuser. This is crazy to me! I’ve experienced this as well. Even well-meaning friends and family members may often blame the victim and not even consider why the abuser is acting this way.  Don’t believe the lies! He should be accountable for his actions, not you. So no… It’s not your fault, and you can’t control or change him. He has to understand that he needs help outside of you and outside of himself. He needs to recognize that what he’s doing is wrong. He needs to get to the root of his issues and begin his own healing and recovery process. The longer you stay, the longer his and your healing and recovery will be delayed. You both need the separation, space, and time to focus on your healing.

Dealing with Regret 

Don’t feel guilt or shame. We are all human, imperfect, and have all made many mistakes. We’ve done so many things or allowed things to happen that we might regret. So understand that as we call on the Lord, go to God in faith and ask Him to forgive us, He will do it freely. Even though it’s not your fault that the abuse happened to you, sometimes, as women or moms, we can still punish ourselves. We can become angry and bitter towards ourselves for staying so long or allowing ourselves to be treated that way. I’ve been there! 

I’ve experienced all the emotions and mom guilt. I’ve asked myself, “Why did I choose him to be their father”? When faced with difficulties in single motherhood, I’ve often looked at other people, their family, and their children. Oh how good they have it! They’re so lucky they don’t have to deal with the frustrations that I’ve endured with raising my kids. I would compare myself and my family to others.

Holding onto the word of God, I know that God wouldn’t put more on me than I can bear and will always be there to help in my time of trouble and need. I also know that He sees me. Every tear I cried from being abused, mishandled, lied on and falsely accused, He saw it. Every prayer I prayed in pure desperation for help, for change, for a way of escape, He heard it. I’ve learned that no one is exempt in this world from pain and suffering. No one, not even believers. Sometimes, like Paul speaks on, there may be a thorn in our flesh and no matter how hard we pray, the circumstance may not change, but it was meant to change you. In those times, we have to trust God in our weakness because He is our strength (2 Corinthians 12:1-10). When we pull on the strength of God in those challenging seasons, He is glorified…